CW: Depression; Ideation and discussion about suicide
While I was checking my backup/old files dump folders, I found a memo from three years ago documenting my depressive mind at that time. Decided to publish it here as a memory. Why? My condition right now, even as imperfect as it is, is night and day compared to that time, three years ago. I believe it is around this time that after talking with Alif, my dear friend, I finally seek professional help for my condition. Right now, I couldn’t even see myself as having been through that time, but I could relate with what I wrote. For the better, and I believe so. So here it is. I only brush up some formatting here and there, and left the text basically intact.
I won’t share this log publicly intentionally, so if you read this while blogwalking, congrats, I guess? Sorry in advance if you are affected by this. Here’s something so that this journal entry won’t be that bad.
Source: 1-5iro | https://www.pixiv.net/artworks/119810152
A Memo.
21/08/02
A confession. Or a plea. A call for help, perhaps, towards no particular one. Though I guess I will never be able to present this before it’s too late.
For the present, I’ll treat this memo as sort of brain dump document. Somewhere I’ll be able to actually write what’s in my mind regarding this issue, rather than just thinking it out loud to myself over and over again.
If everything goes well, I have virtually all the time to write down everything. But I don’t know for sure what can I do in few weeks of time. The earliest hurdle will come in a week or two, I think. I’ll also try to rewrite my thesis in that frame of time as well.
Right now, I do want to life, to go on, to experience more of this world. Thanks, Humin & PDB class for showing me in the past 12 months that the world still worth and need to be saved. The “pembangunan doomer berkelanjutan” joke do have a point, after all. The world is dying, be it when we’re talking about it in the sense of human & society as a whole or as the literal planet we’re living in. But some people still tried to do something about it, rather than just accept that fate or just focusing to struggle with their own daily life. Some people do sense that the world is almost fucked up, and works extra to do prevent it. Or perhaps they’ll only be able to stall it rather than prevent it entirely. I really respect those people, and perhaps hope to be able to do something in their side as well. No, wish would be the better term for it.
But at the same time I can’t shake the feeling that is the other way around. On personal level, even. There’s not much that you can do. what I can do. Depression aside, what I learned for the past 4, 5 years is that indivual people rarely have such impact or influence to be able to do anything meaningful against such issue. And the way I am right now, there’s no way I could be. Don’t think it could change in the future, even.
I… have depression. For quite a long time. Or perhaps I think I have. The earliest symptom that I could remember to be so extreme is in my first semester in university. Or the second. Can’t remember when exactly. Or I don’t want to remember it too much. The same thing happened to whatever happened in KKN. I remembered the event, but I detached myself from what I remembered that I can’t relate to any of it anymore.
At that time I’ve already have a hunch to whatever condition I have. But in the end I’ve never tried to seek professional help, while at the same time I also don’t want to confirm it with other way like a simple online test or whatever. My reasoning is that I’d like to not make a self-suggestion that would make the condition worse. But I guess it only made it worse after all. heh.
It’s few days ago that I actually took a simple questionnaire about it. I already have halodoc installed for covid vaccine, and a simple lookaround showed me that they have psychological counseling as one of their feature. Though I stopped in the short questionnaire that they provide. I already knew what the results will be when answering the automated system. And never bothered to take the third one. Yes and yes to depression and stress. Never took the anxiety one. I’ve already showed the automated results to few of my friend. About how silently infuriating it is. I guess it’s important to have a little positivity in the replies when you answered in negative tone, such like when you answered yes when it asked if you feel excessively sad recently, as it might actually have some positive result to whoever taking the quiz and it goes to the whole positivity and supportive pattern to appreciate that they’re able to finally confront the problem and said it to other people, even if it’s just a simple answering machine that could only make limited answer, but fucking hell it feels so much like a passive agressive reply, and made harser as the point before still applies.
fuck. fuck.fuck always too late. perhaps my inability to actually respond to new announcement is inherent in myself. it is something i already planned to tell to, but in the end seeing that it is something that was partly my fault is always makes me infuriated. mad to my self. sad, more likely. in the end i will never do anything right, or even do anything at all.
I’m just… angry. I will be fine if all that’s wrong in my life is something that i can’t actually control. after all, it is ak;jfsdzfm
It’s always like this. just when I could gather this small amout of will to actually sweep up all the mess I created I got blown by another thing. I’ve said I’ll make progress in rewriting my thesis today. but 1) i’ve just got notified that i actually need to do another step to verify the UKT cut and 2) PDB’s result still didn’t come out even today.
Is it anxiety? stress? part of my depression relapse? dunno, and perhaps it doesn’t really matter. This feeling came again, after I finally got some break after this morning.
I know it is related to uni stuff and that’s why it relapsed for a lot since a week or two, but fucking hell. I don’t think even writing brain dump like this will actually help in managing my anxiety when it is this bad. probably because it is caused by all of these 3 parameter. Amplified, and made it longer too.
I’ll try to explain another thing then. Not necessarily as part of brain dump. Don’t think it mattered in this case. It’s probably already gone too far. The usual way perhaps is to wait for a week or two of any actual update, simply reclusing away from the world. make myself calm without any interuption.
Alright. Most recently, what, why, how the suicidal thought came again to me?
The depressive streak already happened quite awhile, I think. It’s like directly after finals week or a week after that. I’ve forgotten why exactly now. Oh, nevermind. It’s after mom asked me about my thesis progress. It might be fine if it ended just like that, but the discussion after that are the one that really triggers it. They aren’t necessarily quiet about it. Perhaps they actually want me to hear it. That’s… worse, honestly. I don’t like being directly confronted about my issues, because I fucking knew that it is an issue I need to face and resolve myself. There’s no need to actually remind myself about it. The only thing I could take from those are that your’re trying to flaunt yourself saying “man, you need to do your shit.” I fucking know about it, you don’t need to made the pain worse. But talking about it behind me, especially when you know that I will be listening is even worse. mostly because I’m always being paranoid about it. No matter how much I tell myself that there’s no need for me to be concerned with others saying about myself, deep down I understand that you’ll always be in relation with other. Social relations will always matter. Even more so in your own family.
I’ve always been paranoid about what others will think about me, I guess that could explain why I never really good with connecting with others. Always being wary, or outright always doublethinking about my own action and how other will take it. Not that I don’t want to be hated or anything, their opinion of others is their own baggage. It’s their priviledge, something that they are entitled to. But perhaps knowing that I’m seen in bad light always made me sad. And in response to that I always hoped to know what other people are saying. resulted in my quite keen hearing, or more likely my inability to focus my attention elsewhere when i can hear what other people says in discussion of their cliques or group. Paranoia.
It would be better if I could cry. I haven’t experienced full-on crying since some days in kost after EPI exam, when I wished to be more proactive, Wished I could do better. It’s always regret, regret, and regret.
I guess father subscribes to hands-off teaching method.
I guess what he meant to say that day is for me to just try. No matter how it came to be, just try.
Perhaps what made me mad that time, and now, even, is that in the end he didn’t see my anguish. or pretend that he doesn’t.
I’ve said this to myself from time to time, but perhaps I’ve been able to mask my own problem to my own family quite well. Or perhaps they really want me to spell it out first to them for them to notice. Either that, or they just don’t care. Oh, ignorance.
Is it that hard for you to lend a hand?
In the end, even mother doesn’t really care about this problematic part of mine. When I tried to explain my thesis topic bit by bit, she tries to cut forward and just asked about how it goes. What mattered to them isn’t necessarily what is it that I’m trying to research, but rather how far did my research goes. No one will care, I guess.
I wonder what’s the first thing to be in their mind after seeing me died. Anger? Sadness? Disbelief? Especially him.
Now that I think about it, both of them already hammered off mentally by the effect of covid. the news of passing and else. Two of my friend’s parent died and in not that long of break inbetween. honestly everyone’s affected by a bit of depressive streak.
I wonder if my death will affect that even more. or maybe they’re just concerned by how it will affect their everyday jobs and tasks? the fact that maybe they’ll need to arrange the praying, yasinan, and everything?
Not a question that I could simply ask. Or perhaps I could, and maybe met with a loud anger from both of them. I can imagine that. Though what they’re angry of isn’t in that image.